We've lost that loving feeling

Why is love so elusive?

Why is romance so hard to find in real life?

I just had another "talk" with him and his defense is that I may be asking for too much. That there are things that is only found in the books. And that those things do not belong in real life.

I'm not looking for those in the books, really. Because I know those men are not really that romantic.... But I am looking for romance.

I'm looking for that "you had me at hello" moment...

And sadly, I haven't found that in him.

Why can't he just be romantic instead of refusing it from the start?

I'm really sad because of this...

I don't know if I will ever move on

Crying in the rain

There. He said it. The three last words. "It is over". I kept mumbling the reasons why... Why we were the way we were. Why it just fell out of place. Why everything's a mess. 

I'm sobbing, and tears just won't stop.

I know my limitations, and I know I can't say "don't go". Nothing but a resounding "goodbye" and silence.

Never a bride....

Here I go again with looking at pre nuptial pictures of happy couples...

I know it will never happen to me, I'm not one to have a happy ending. I have accepted that a long time already. But I'm just human. I'm still a woman. And I still want to someday feel what it feels like to step into the altar, with a gown and be very beautiful--- be the most beautiful woman out there.

Sigh! 

I know it will never happen.

So why do I still allow myself to wallow in my insecurities? 

I don't know. Maybe 'cause I'm a girl.

Years pass

Days gone

Yet, here I am still

Where I started

Nothing achieved

Just another number 

A part of a statistic

I feel like a failure

Strangers again

This is really not working.

It started as us patching things over, but truth is, the distance between us both has gone beyond borders.

He's become a stranger to me, and I can't tell him anything anymore.

I see he's trying, 

Trying to reach out...

But I can't get a grasp of him anymore.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe we should accept it and move on.

We started as strangers....

And we end as strangers again.

I deserve someone who gives a shit

Not someone who only calls, when he has the time.

Not someone who only says what's on his mind.

Not someone who needs me,

But someone who actually cares for me.

Fighting depression

Right after a breakup, you tend to be vulnerable. A small word...even if it's not meant for you, will feel like it's a stab to your heart.

Right now, i'm feeling it.

I don't know if it's because of the flu, or what, but I'm really feeling low right now.

And I know what I should do...I should exercise, so I could build endorphins to make me happy, but I'm a sloth. And sloth's don't actually do exercises! (if you know what I mean).

So I'll just do the next best thing.... A smoothie!!! 

Papaya smoothies are good for something... I think. And it would actuallygive  me the perk I need today, so, yay! 

Happy to be alone

Thanks to this, I think I'm ready to move on.

I've always thought that if I find someone to share my life with, I will be complete. That I can grow old knowing that I will be happy, and content. But I'm not.

Having a relationship with someone is a total waste of time. You cant find yourself, and your happiness if you're too busy making your significant other happy. You have to focus on yourself first.

I was too busy making him happy, that I totally spaced out on what's important for me. I lost all my friends, who I was with 24/7 until he came around. I even missed one of my best friend's wedding because of him. You can never be trully happy if there is someone holding you back.

From now on..

1. The music that I like, no matter if it's cheesy or cheap, is my thing. Nobody can say what I should listen to.

2. If there are any musicals that I want to go to, I should.

3. I start studying again.... Before, all my time was spent with him that I dont have the energy to go somewehere else anymore....now I can.

4. I start reconnecting with long lost friends, while creating new connections.

5. I start saving again. 'Nuff said.

Hello!

It's been a while! I deleted my old account and is now working on creating a new space for me....again!


       It's been 5 years since then, and my life.....is still the same.

I'm still struggling in finding myself. Who am I? What do I love? What should I be doing with my life. Things that most people knew from the get go. Things that Im still uncertain of.

Maybe in time I will. Maybe then....maybe then....