The toils of trouble

Last week, we went out-of-town to Pangasinan. Mom wants to visit her cousins, pay tax to their farmland, and do some recreation from this scorching heat of the metro.... And surely, I get to tag along! 

I was the designated driver, of course. 

I was really happy with how the roads are really wide, and there's close to no other vehicle nearby which was probably why I didn't realize I was already running for more than 137kmph. Close to the bridge, I was caught. (Surprise! Surprise!) 

So here I am now, at the LTO main office. I'm quite afraid of what my penalty is, but have an idea it wouldn't be that much. Well, much to my disappointment, it WAS  that much! 

I was slapped with reckless driving, (which costs the highest) and the warning it shouldn't happen again, or else my license will get revoked. 

Honestly, I'm ok with that. Because road safety is very important and I should've been more careful driving especially if the road is very wide. I've learned my lesson. Wouldn't happen again.

What irks me though is how corrupt this office has gone to. Starting from the entrance gate, the guard there asks me where I was going. I thought this was standard procedure, because he's supposed to control the space, right? Right? Wrong! 

He asked me where I'm going so he can arrange a deal with me. Pay him Php 3000.00 to get my license back faster. 

Why would I do that? I already have a fine, I already wasted my time and energy to go there, and he's charging extra for what? For speedy transaction, he says.

And it's not just him. There have been three people I've talked to inside the office who would offer the same thing. 

And when I was inside the office, I see lots of posters! Against corruption! Wow! The hypocrisy is daunting! 

I feel the government should act on this. I heard about this type of activities from the older generation, and was hopeful that it was just "before". But now I realize, the philippines has a long way to go. 

Seasonal affective disorder... S.A.D

Kuya mentioned him again... He said it seems he's found another love. And it brought me once again in the brink of depression. It feels like you're being cut. It hurts, but at the same time, it feels empty. I don't like this feeling. At all.

Maybe I should've gone with the proposal I got. Maybe I should've not trusted my guts. Maybe I would not feel this at all.

Pink hair, don't care!

I take it back, I care! 

I care a lot! About what people will say, what they think about me, and all those silly silly things.

But not anymore.

Tonight I am changing to a new me. Fiercer, bolder, tougher. 

So I'm starting with my hair.

For so long I have been scared of changing colors, I'm afraid of what people might say, I don't want to be laughed at. So I stick with neutral tones. The ones that nearly resembles my natural hair color... But mostly I leave it black.

Now I've decided to go over the edge. Pastel colors are so in nowadays, and I'm really gunning for the pink pastel. I've seen a lot of pictures in pinterest and I really find it so pretty! 

So I went to our go-to salon. I usually just frequent there for the usual--foot spa and pedicure! So far from my hair! I rarely have anybody touch my hair other than trimming it (which most of the time I DIY). I asked the beautician how much it costs to make my hair pastel pink and I got the biggest confused look I can get. Maybe I'm their first client who wants that, who would anyways? Haha! 

Anywaaay, they told me the nearest they could get me to pastel pink is a bright copper, so I agreed, they quoted me 800 pesos, which isn't really expensive at all.. But then they said they would have to bleach my hair and it would be another price! Now, I'm not really that stingy with money and all, but if you cant even find the color I'm looking for and you're gonna try ripping me off? I mean, get out! 

So I made a silly excuse of "just withdraw cash lang ha" and I rushed off to the mall! I can make this, and I swear, sweet little Jesus I will make this as beautiful with half the price! 

Then I went to Watsons and found a great variety of colors available... All the info is found in the net anyways, so I searched for a bleaching agent. I have to make my hair platinum white first, and then I turn it pink. 

I found the lightest blonde picture there in and thought to myself, hmm if it looks super blonde in the picture, for sure this'll be the same for me. I bought two. (Just in case)

I was planning on going to HBC, but started scouting on Watsons first (to test the field) and when I paid my bill, I figured I dont need to go to HBC anymore, and went home.

At home, I followed the instructions on the box and proceeded with bleaching my hair. I didn't realize that my hair was black. So after, it turned to light brown. It was blonde on the roots, but brown to the tip. It was a failure to say the least. 

I didn't open the second box and proceeded to where I intended to go to in the first place. HBC. I went there and bought the biggest 12% oxidizing solution and bleach, bleach, bleach! I was told I will need at least 3 bleaches to achieve a platinum blonde color. I bought  it and nothing else. I figured that might be enough. 

At home I went ahead and started bleaching my hair again.... Now it turned to a bright yellow hue! They said to tone it I just need a purple dye and conditioner, and it would turn white... But nu-uh! It didn't even picked up the color! It still remained corn-colored yellow! 

So I tried to fix it by adding burgundy. Yep. I cant find a pink color in the store, so I opted for the next best thing.

Feeling like a stylist that I'm not, I tried doing an ombre. I just kept the color on the tresses and not on the roots. Big mistake. It looked like a nightmare!

But at that point, I'm already tired and my scalp is quite drained already with the heavy soak so I let it pass and called it a day. 

The next day I went to HBC again and bought a copper colored dye. The tubed one. I figured I may as well play with colors. So I bleached my hair again... This time with a bigger concentration of oxidizing solution (because the saleslady said it should be a 1:2 ratio) and I added a pinch of violet color (I think this one screwed it up) and I noticed my hair was a slightly darker hue now. Now, instead of having the red copper dye be mixed with oxidizing solution, I mixed it with conditioner. Most of the videos I searched on youtube used that technique anyways, so I figured, why not? Plus, it would help the hair get it's glossy feeling again. So I left it there for an hour, and I got the biggest "nailed it" hallelujah! 

It wasn't what I intended to tell you honestly, but it's somewhat into that idea. And I know the color will eventually fade because I used conditioner instead of oxidizing solution, but, at least it's quite a cottony-candy-like-pink! 

I'm happy with it. Although, if you think about it, The total cost of the materials alone, is about the same price of the salon, so I should've just stayed with professionals who knew what they were doing instead of wasting my time and energy. But at least it was an experience! And a lesson I love to learn.

After this, maybe in a month or two, I'll start experimenting on other unnatural color. Maybe Lavander, or maybe turquoise! I'm getting exited already just by thinking about it!  

The first blood... Still close to the original color 😊

Very yellow! Ugh! I hate it! 😩

Nailed it! Ok, not really. But close! 😁

And finally I'm ready

Now I know there's no turning back.

I'm ready to fall in love again.

Though not as hard as the first, I know I will still be happy.

Thank God I'm finally free

And the truth comes out

After ko magpaka faithful

After all the sacrifices I gave him

All the suffering I got because of loving him

Now I found out the truth

He just used me.

I don't belong here

This is awful. I hate my job. 

I know that I will be walking on shattered glass moving forward.

I know people hate me, but I seem to have rubbed them off the wrong way again.

I hate this.

I hate the feeling of not being able to just take off and leave.

I can't.

I have nowhere to go.

Life sucks. Big time. 

Part of your world

I am an ariel.

I would like to venture in other worlds

I want to feel adventure 

I want to feel something new

No, I don't want any death-defying adventure 

Just a normal, easy one

But maybe someday I will

I know I want to try archery

But it's too expensive

And now I'm planning on trying the trapeze

Maybe one day I will

Someday I will

One Day

One day I realized,

I have trailed far along the path

The yellow brick road is gone

And all I see is grass

Then I realized,

It's because he showed me the trail of flowers

And I was simply contented with them

But one day it came upon me,

Where have I been?

Shouldn't I have stopped?

I've gone through circles until I'm lost

Because I know I'm not lost alone

But now he found his way home

And he wants me to tag along

But I know it further to the yellow brick road

And I knew if I come along I will never go back

So I gave a Patrick Henry speech, 

Give me liberty, or give me death

Maybe I shouldn't have said that

Because now I'm lost finding my path

Alone

Am I ready?

I still love Carlo. 

I'm still holding on to the possibility of us getting back together.

I'm still longing to see myself grow old with the person I love.

But I don't know if he feels the same way.

I saw it in his eyes.

The shadow.

The sparkle is gone.

I think I lost it.

And I can never get it back.

If I stay,

Do I have anything waiting for me?

If I move on, 

Is it for the best?